Interspecies Dating Consultants
by servantofclio
Summary: They were just trying to catch up over drinks. They didn't expect a stranger to approach them for advice. But they'll do their best to help him out of the friend zone...


Another MassKink fill: "Shepard brings Garrus and Tali along to Illium, where all three overhear the unfortunate plight of friend-zoned!turian and his quarian friend. They don't think much of being shouldered off for eavesdropping, and go back to their own business. FZ!turian can't help but notice the blatant, easy inter-species camaraderie going on between them, and some time later confronts Garrus and/or Tali for help. They are understandably bewildered by his impression that they would be able to give him any kind of advice. BFFs they may be, inter-species dating advisers they are not. (Bonus if Shepard meanwhile finds some way to gently nudge the quarian in her friend's direction and all of Garrus and/or Tali's useless floundering for advice is utterly wasted when said quarian shows up and essentially throws herself at her confused/overjoyed friend.)"

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><p>Interspecies Dating Consultants<p>

"... so we blew up the entire warehouse of red sand," said Garrus. "I think some bystanders got high from the fumes, but no one overdosed. Half of that stuff was contaminated anyway."

Tali laughed. "You have to be exaggerating."

"Am not. Turians don't lie, Tali."

"Doesn't mean they don't bend the truth on occasion."

Garrus took a drink. "Your turn. What else have you been up to for the Flotilla the last couple of years?"

Tali had just rejoined the crew a few days earlier. While Shepard and Miranda were dealing with other business on Illium, the two of them had gotten a table at Eternity to catch up on the events of the last few years.

Tali was deep into a story of a raid into geth territory when a turian appeared beside their table. Garrus blinked at him. "Are you bringing drinks? Tali, did we order another round?"

"I don't think so." She cocked her head at the other turian. "You look familiar..."

"No. Or yes. I'm buying you a round. If that's all right."

"Whoa now, friend," said Garrus. "Thanks for the offer, but we're not interested just now."

"How do you know I'm not interested?" asked Tali in mock indignation.

"No! Wait! I mean, I'm not trying for anything. Look, I was just hoping you could help me out with something."

Tali looked around. "Help you out with something? Is Shepard here? Nobody ever just randomly asks me for help unless Shepard's around."

Garrus laughed. Eyeing the turian still standing awkwardly beside their table, he decided to take pity on the fellow. He was seeming increasingly desperate, and besides, he did look kind of familiar. "Have a seat. No promises, but we'll hear what you have to say."

"Thanks." He pulled up a chair. "Look, I know this is weird, and I hate to bother you, but I saw you the other day, with that human, and again today-"

"Oh! Oh!" Tali pointed at him. "Fleet and Flotilla guy! You were the one talking to that quarian!"

"Oh," said Garrus, starting on his new drink. "That pair. Tough break."

The other turian tried to ignore the interruption. "... anyway, I couldn't help but notice that the two of you seemed pretty close."

Tali and Garrus looked at each other. Garrus shrugged. "I suppose you could say that."

"I don't know, Garrus, we might be closer if _someone_ had ever checked his messages in the last two years."

"Omega communications are both unreliable and insecure."

"So, I was just wondering how you two got together."

"Uhhh," Garrus tried to remember, "I think I shot some turian who was about to take your data and kill you."

"Are you sure? I think that was Shepard."

"Shepard was busy running around with a shotgun."

"Maybe it was Wrex..."

"Also running around with a shotgun. Face it, Tali, that turian went down to rifle fire, and that was mine."

Tali turned to their companion. "At any rate, then we were serving on the same ship. The crew was mostly human, so the rest of us tended to stick together."

"We were also the only two dextros aboard. If you thought standard Hierarchy rations were bad," Garrus shuddered, "let me tell you, what comes out of a replicator on a human ship is much worse."

"But how did you... you know..." the newcomer faltered as both of the pair looked at him expectantly, "... become a couple?"

Garrus looked at Tali and really, really wished he could see her face, so he could see if she looked as gobsmacked as he did. "Wait," he said, "you thought that we..."

Tali inhaled audibly, and on the exhale started laughing hysterically. "You actually thought that he... and I..."

Garrus leaned back and crossed his arms. She didn't need to act as if the idea were that ridiculous. "Hey now."

"Oh, come on, Garrus, it would be like dating my brother! If I had a brother."

"Hey, you would be lucky to have such a stylish brother."

"Fine. You'd be a fabulous brother, and entirely excellent, and I'm happy with just being good friends, okay?"

Garrus nodded. "You're pretty excellent yourself. Okay."

Their companion had slumped in his seat during this exchange, looking even more dejected than before. "You mean you're not... together? I was really hoping you could give me some advice on, you know. How to impress her."

"Sorry," said Garrus, "I've stuck to turian women. You could suggest sparring?"

"That risks a suit tear," Tali pointed out.

"Oh, right. Target practice?"

"No, one of the things I like about her is that she's not like turian women, where everything's a competition all the time. Being with her is just... relaxing." He looked hopefully at Tali. "You're quarian. How can I impress a quarian?"

"Um, well, have you tried talking tech with her?"

"She hates tech talk. She says she just wants to leave work at work."

Garrus offered, "You asked her to watch that vid with you, that seemed like a pretty good try."

"She said she needed to check her schedule and get back to me."

"Ohh," they said in unison.

"Yeah," he said wearily. There was a moment of silence. He sighed. "You really can't help me, can you?"

"I haven't had a date myself in months. Uh, maybe years," Garrus admitted. "Tali?"

"Does shooting geth count?"

"If it does, I think we're both dating Shepard. And Grunt," he added with distaste, remembering Haestrom.

"I was thinking about someone else!"

Garrus smirked. "Would that be... Kal'Reegar?"

Tali threw a napkin at him. "I'm not talking to you about Kal! But if shooting geth doesn't count, I haven't had a date in ages, either."

"Can't you think of anything I could do?" asked the unfortunate turian, a bit desperately.

They mulled it over. Garrus said, "Uh...try complimenting her envirosuit, or something?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea," said Tali. "That sure wouldn't win me over. I'd want someone who's interested in me, not the suit."

"I _am_ interested in her! But she never seems to notice any hints. We spend a lot of time together, but she's always talking about other guys." He sighed, defeated. "Maybe I should just give up."

"Aw." Impulsively, Tali reached out and gave the startled turian a hug, oblivious to the fact that her helmet was pushing his mandible into a weird position. Garrus winced. "Tali..."

Tali ignored him. "You poor guy. You seem like a real sweetheart. If she doesn't appreciate you, that's her problem. There's gotta be some other quarian out on Pilgrimage you could sync suits with." She sat back, but squeezed his shoulder for good measure. "You just hang in there."

The turian blinked. "That was contradictory, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," said Garrus. "Tali, I think you've had enough to drink."

"_Excuse me_," said a new voice sharply. All three of them turned as a quarian in a white and maroon suit stepped up to the table, hands planted on her hips. "Do you even know this girl?" she snapped at her turian friend.

"Uh... no. Not really. I just..."

She pointed at Tali. "I don't know who you are, you _chaz'ket_,* but maybe you should not throw yourself at a total stranger. Keep your hands to yourself." She slid one arm around her friend's neck. "Come on. Let's go watch that vid you wanted to see."

"Um... right! Sure thing!" He practically sprang out of his seat. "I'll... see you around... I guess?"

His words faded as the quarian yanked him in the direction of the exit. As Garrus and Tali stared after them, Shepard slid into the vacated seat, laughing.

"What exactly just happened?" asked Garrus.

Shepard shrugged. "Some people don't know what they want until they think they're going to lose it." The human looked at the array of glasses littering the table and raised an eyebrow. "I see you two have really been at it. Is there room for one more at this party?"

Garrus said, "Sure, but I think we should cut Tali off."

"I can hold my liquor jussst fine. Where was I, anyway?" She blinked. "Oh! Right! See, I remember perfectly. So I'd just hacked the armature..."

Shepard waved the asari server over. "Another round!"

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><p>*Yeah, I made up a quarian word. I thought this circumstance needed a female-specific insult, and <em>bosh'tet<em> seems more generalized.


End file.
